Mo-Kan Opry & Country Music Site

KNEE SLAPPERS

	Heard a good one lately? Send us your favorite rib tickler or knee slapper and if it's clean (this is a family-oriented site) and makes us laugh, chances are it'll show up here.  Include your name and if you want to tell where you heard it, we'll give them credit too!  Use the handy link below and keep 'em comin'. roger@mokanopry.com

Redneck Computer Terms     BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

	Restroom Walls Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.   Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia   . It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona   Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats.  It worked like a charm.  The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.  Now our services are always packed to the balcony."   "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest.  "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'' "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that.  But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof." Contributed by Annie Little

	AMISH VIRUS: You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files. Thank thee. From: Elmer Hatcher

	*A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.*   The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.   The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'   The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.  She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.   'There's no charge,' she says.   'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.  'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'   'So I just switched the heads.'  *(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!) * Contributed by John & Mary Pettersch

	Larry: "I'm a little down in the mouth tonight.  My aunt Matilda just passed away at the age of 107.   Dennis:  That's too bad, but she had a good, long life if she lived to 107.   Larry:  Well, the good news is, they managed to save the baby!   Larry Ellis - Dennis Dittemore@ Big Creek Showplace - orginally told by the late Joe Adleman, a retired KCMO Police captain.

A guy once told his mother that he didn't want to go to church. "But you have to go to church," his mother told him. "I'll give you two reasons why I'm not going to church," he told her. "One: they don't like me and two: I don't like them." "And I'll give you two reasons why you have to go," his mother replied. "One: you're 59 years old and two: you're the pastor!" Told by Brad Meadows at Middle Creek Theatre

	Cuz'n Cricket was playing Bingo down at the church one Friday night awhile back and won.  When he went up to claim his prize, they handed him an odd-shaped brush.  Afterwards, he handed it to me and asked me what it was for.   "Cricket," I told him, "you're the proud owner of a brand-new toliet brush!"   Several days later, I saw him on the street and asked him how he liked his new toliet brush.   "I guess it's okay," he said, "but I believe I'll go back to paper!" Told by Blake Williams of Williams & Clark Expedition @ Sally Mountain Festival

	Butch:  Someone said you had to hurry home tonight and take care of some mechanical work.  What kind of mechanical work can you do in the middle of the night?   Jody:  I gotta put a rear end in my recliner! Butch Carter & Jody Jackson @ Jrs. Hitchin Post Opry

Marietta:  I wuz down at the Wal-Mart the other day and I saw this thing they call a thermos bottle and I'd never seen one before.  I asked the clerk what it was and he said "That's a thermos bottle!"  "What's It do?" I asked him.  "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he told me.   Well, I just had to have me one of those so I bought me this one. Ken:  So what do you have in it now? Marietta:  Two cups of coffee and an ice cream cone! Larry King aka Marietta with Ken Butterfield @ Old Town Jamboree

	Marietta: I got stopped by the police the other day. Tim:  Oh, really?  What happened? Marietta:  He made me get out of the car, walk around it and then he shined his flashlight in my face and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot.  Have you been drinking?" Tim:  What did you say? Marietta:  I said, "Certainly not.  But tell me somethin', your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?" Larry King aka Marietta with Tim Dunagan @ Old Town Jubilee

	Living Will: Last  night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many  things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to  her, "I never want to live in a  vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If  I ever come to that just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV  and then threw out  my beer.

	Pillow Talk An older couple was lying in bed one night.  The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk  She said,  "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."  Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments  later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.   Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck.  "Angrily he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.  "Where are you going?"  she asked. "To get my teeth!" Contributed by Mary Kempa

	Mom used to have one of those mood rings.  When she was in a good mood, it would turn green.  When she was in a bad mood, it would leave a red mark on my forehead! Mike O'Roark @ Annie's Country Jubilee

	"Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" the prosecutor asked the woman. "'Cause I didn't want to wake up the kids," she told him.   My Uncle went to court and got a suspended sentence.  They hanged him. Garry Bichelmeyer @ BK Lounge

	Know how to make a Kleenex dance?   Blow a little "boogie" in it! Luke Towns @ Annie's Country Jubilee 9/30/06

	How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

	Some Halloween 'slappers from H.A.B.O.T.:   What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo   What does a skeleton order in a restaurant? Spare ribs   Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? They'd only let him play batboy   H.A.B.O.T. October newsletter

	A friend of mine was in the check out line at the grocery store, behind this woman watching her put her milk, eggs, bacon and other items on the belt. "I take it you're single," he told her. "Why would you say that?" she asked him.  "Is it because of what I'm buying?" "No.  It's because you're ugly!"   Bubba Clydesdale @ Big Creek Opry

	I was once on stage performing and I noticed a man on the front row talking and disrupting the show.  I stopped the show and asked him what the problem was.   "Oh," he said, "well, I'm from Texas and I was just telling them about my ranch." "What about it?" I asked him. "Well, you can start at one end of it and drive from dawn till daybreak and never leave my property. "I'm from Arkansas," I told him, "and I know an old boy with a truck like that!" Wally Barbee @ Sulphur Springs (AR) Classic Country

	The bus was hauling a load of senior citizens from the local rest home on a tour of the city when a little old lady tapped the bus driver on the arm and handed him a handful of peanuts.  He thanked her and went on driving and munching on the nuts.  Soon she handed him another handful and later still another.   "Ma'am, don't any of you ladies like peanuts?" he asked her.   "No," she told him, "we don't have any teeth, so we just suck all the chocolate off 'em!" Jack Sanders @ Ft. Scott Jubilee

	A man took his wife to the doctor and sat out in the waiting room.  After an hour or so, the doctor came out. "She doesn't look good," he told the man. "Yeah, but she's great with the kids," the man replied. Submitted by Jay Holmgren

	Did you hear about the man who was making big bucks?  Last I heard, he was in jail.  He made 'em about a half inch too big! Joe White - Thursday Night Opry

	Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Make him bark?

When his wife suddenly fainted, the redneck hurriedly called 911.  The emergency operator answered and asked him what the matter was. "My wife just fainted," the redneck said "Hurry and send an ambulance. "Where do you live?" the operator asked. "Down at the end of Eucalyptus Street," he told her. "Can you spell that?" the operator asked. "Tell you what," the redneck tells her, "I'll just drag her over on Oak and you can pick her up there!" Billy Dean Bennett - Clarksdale Opry

	Why do children have to be quiet in church?  To keep from waking up the adults. Connie Henry - Stewartsville Opry

	This lady went up to the bartender and ran her fingers through his hair, tugged his ear and patted his face.  "C-can I help you?" the poor bartender finally managed.  "Where's the manager," she seductively whispered.  "He's not here right now," he told her. With that the lady ran her fingers through his hair, rubbed his face and finally put a finger, suggestedly in his mouth. "H-h-he'll be back later," the bartender stammered.  "Can I take a message?" "Yes," the lady told him, "You might want to tell him he's out of soap and tissue in the lady's rest room!" Larry Dean, BK Lounge

	Clarence had this new girl friend and one evening they are sitting on the living room couch, watching TV and cuddling and smooching and carrying on when Clarence notices a man's picture on the end table.  "Who's that guy in the picture, your brother?" Clarence asks. "No, it's not my brother, she tells him.  "Oh, well is it a boyfriend?" he asks her. "No, it's not a boyfriend." "Well, who is it then?" he insists. "It's me!" she confesses, "BEFORE the operation!" Harvey Hayseed teasing Clarence Hayden @ Country Pickin Opry

	My wife ran off with a tractor salesman and two weeks later I got a John Deere letter.   Ran into my ex-wife last week - had to jump the curb. Mike O'Roark - Country Pickin Opry

Mike, reminding everyone that originally Phil was a city boy before he moved to the farm, was telling about the day that Phil showed up to play at a local show, but was limping terribly.     "What happened?" Mike asked.   "I went horseback riding this morning," Phil said, "And we were going really fast when I fell off and one of my feet got caught in the stirrup!  No matter what I did, I couldn't get that horse to slow down or stop.  I though I was a goner till the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and pulled the plug." Told by Mike Campbell on Phil Hilton @ The Farm

	Acts 2:38   An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)    The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and  explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he  asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to you."    Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and Two 38's!" Submitted by Tommy Helms

	You know you're getting old when people tell you how nice your alligator shoes are and you're barefoot! Mike O'Roark - Big Creek Country Show

	My sister's not much of a driver; she flunked her driver's test four times.  Tonight she was driving up here for the opry and I called her on her cell phone to tell her to be extra careful:  I heard on the radio that someone was driving the wrong way on the Interstate.   She told me "Heck, that ain't nothin'.  Where I'm at, EVERYBODY'S driving the wrong way! Norma Radner @ Fillmore Opry

	I adopted one of those greyhounds the other day.  You know after they're done racing they do away with those dogs if somebody doesn't adopt them, so I got me one.  As soon as I got him home, I painted a bus on his side!   That's a big dog and he drinks out of the toliet.  Do any of your dogs drink out of the toliet?  It kinda bugs me at times cause it tickles when I'm sitting there reading the paper. Mike O' Roark @ Middle Creek

	Politicans are like diapers.  They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.

	Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? A: You can mash potatoes! Harvey Hayseed @ Leland Jones' Country Pickin Opry

	I bought my granddaughter one of those new Barbie dolls the other day.  It's called  the "Divorce Barbie" and it comes with all of Ken's stuff! Harvey Hayseed @ Leland Jones' Country Pickin Opry

	I was listening to the weather the other day at my place in Branson and they were talking about the possibility of tornados in the area and the weather man said, "You know folks, tornados are kinda like hillbilly divorces -- when it's all over, somebody's gonna lose a trailer! Sean Pittman @ Ft. Scott Jamboree

	Ken took off and went down to the city the other day and wound up at a fancy hotel where they were having a florist convention.  Guess he'd had a little too much to drink and took off all his clothes and streaked through the convention floor.  He didn't get arrested or anything, but he did win FIRST PRIZE in "dried arrangements." Tim Dunagan teasing Ken Butterfield @ Old Town Jamboree

I've never run around on my wife since we've been married.  There's no use in disappointing two women! Mike O'Roark @ Dirk's

	An elderly lady was waiting for a parking place in a parking lot.  While sitting in her big new Cadillac, this car started to back out.  Just as she as was getting ready to pull in this space, a young fellow in a bright red sports car zipped right in front of her.  Feeling kinda cocky, he looked at the  lady and said "That's what you can do when your Young & Fast!!".   The lady couldn't believe what he had done.  So she backed her new Cadillac up then puts into drive and she rams his pretty little sports car, backs up and rams it again.  The young fellow couldn't believe what she was doing.   After the lady was through ramming his car she looks at him & said "Sonny, that's what you can do when your Old & Rich". from:  Annie Little at the BK lounge

	Q.  If big-breasted women work at Hooter's, where do one-legged women work?   A. I-HOP Submittee by Ron Holmes (Fillmore Opry)

	A man, hearing of the passing of a distant relative, went to the gravesite to pay his respects and placed a bouquet of roses on the grave.  He happened to glace over to his right and noticed an oriential gentleman was doing the same, but instead of flowers, he placed a steaming bowl of rice by the tombstone. "Excuse me," he addressed the man, "I don't mean any disrespect, but just what time do you expect your dearly beloved to rise up and eat that rice?" "About the same time yours rises up and smells those flowers," the man told him. Palmer Eckert @ Fillmore Opry

	Subject: Lifeline Message :I was so depressed last night I called Lifeline.  Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was real suicidal.  They got all excited... and asked if I could drive a truck.   Thanks Nancy - we needed a good chuckle!

Two old friends met up in a bar after several years and one asked the other if he was married.  "Sure," the other told him, "And my wife's an angel." "You're lucky," the first one told him, "Mine's still alive!" Garry Bickelmeyer @ B.K. Lounge

Bubba took a drive up north of the river the other day and promptly got himself lost.  He stopped at an old farmhouse to get directions and asked, "How do I get back to 291?"   "Eat more salads," the fellow told him. David Taylor aka Bubba Clydesdale @ Big Creek Country Show

	The old couple were up there in years and having trouble remembering things.  One evening the husband announced he was going to the kitchen and asked his wife if she wanted anything. "I'd like some ice cream," she told him, "But you better write it down." "I can remember that," he said.  "A bowl of ice cream." "But I'd like some strawberrys too! Better write it down." "I can remember that," he said, "Ice cream & strawberrys." "And some whipped cream on top" she added, "Better write it down." "Ice cream, strawberrys with whipped cream, no I've got it!" he insisted. The old man goes into the kitchen and is gone about 45 minutes.  Finally he appears with a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.  His wife looks at the plate and tells him, "See!  I told you to write it down.  Where's my toast?" Dewayne Bowman @ Ft. Scott Opry

	I saw Cuz' n Cricket the other day and he had two black eyes.  I asked him what happened and he said he had "seen-us problems."   "Don't you mean sinus problems?" I asked him.   "No, seen-us problems," Cricket corrected me.  "I was over to this lady's house, and we was making love and her husband seen us!" Garry Bichelmeyer @ BK Lounge

	A good 'un from a fellow opry fan   Two elderly couples were having dinner at one of the couples' home.  After dinner the ladies went into the kitchen leaving the two men at the dinner table. Conversation between the two men ensued. "We went to a really nice restaurant the other night and the food was great and so were the prices", said one of the men. "What was the name of the restaurant", asked the other. The first man tried and tried, but couldn't think of it and finally said, "What's the name of that flower?" "What flower?" asked the other man. "You know the red one.  That one with the thorns." he went on. "Oh, you mean the rose". "Yep, that's it" and with that he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?" I guarantee you laughed!  You can say it came from Bob & Helen Alig (my Mom and her husband) I'm Pete Kaeding and we'll be in the audience tomorrow night to see Marty Smith.

A husband and wife are shopping in WalMart when the man picks up a case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart.  'What do you think you're doing?'asks his wife.  'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says, Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.  The man replies........'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price!!!' Contributed by Annie Little

Submitted by Ron Holmes - Fillmore (MO) Opry

	A blonde teenager, wanted to earn some extra money for the summer, so she decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said,'How much will you charge me?'  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'  The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'  He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'  The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'  After a time, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already", the startled husband asked.  "Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.  "And by the way", 'the blonde added, "it's not a Porche, it's a Lexus."  Submitted by Dennis Dittemore

Skinny Dippers   An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast!   Submitted by Wayne Hoover, Countryside Jamboree =

	from an old friend...looking forward to a new career as a chemical engineer...  *I've often been asked, 'what do you old guys do now that you're retired?' Well, I have a friend who hangs out with me. He has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, tequila, and martinis into urine.   And, we're pretty damn good at it.*   Contributed by Jim Winters, Annie's Country Jubilee

	You can get away with murder in Arkansas.  Everybody has the same DNA. Mo Bandy @ Annie's Country Jubilee 8-2-08

In marriage there are three rings.  First is the engagement ring.  Next is the wedding ring.  And last is the suffering. Bob Harmon @ Jr's Hitchin Post Opry

	.....and then the fight started   When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive...so, I took her to a gas station....and then the fight started,,,   After retiring, I went to the Soclal Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."  So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, "You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability too!"  ...and then the fight started...   My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, "Do you know her?"  "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."  "My God!" says my wife.  "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ....and then the fight started...   I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up a me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"  So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" ....and then the fight started... Contributed by Pam Shauer

	Out west they were having quite a problem for the folks who raised sheep in the area.  Seems like there was a large population of coyotes that were killing and eating the sheep so the local ranchers decided to have a meeting and discuss possible solutions.  Most off the assembled wanted to either poison the coyotes or hire professional hunters to track them down and shoot them.  However, one man, a representative of the Sierra Club proposed trapping the offending animals in live cages, neutering them and then releasing them back into the population.  He felt that in time, this would control the population.   One good ol' boy sitting near the back in a pair of bib overalls listening to the proceedings, raised his hand and told the man, "Mister, I don't think you understand what's goin' on here.  Them coyotes aren't makin' love to our sheep.  They're eatin' 'em!" Jim Winters @ Annie's Country Jubilee

Once when I was in sales, I called this lead and a little voice answered, whispering "Hello."  "Who's this?" I asked.  "Jimmy," whispered the answer.  "How old are you?"  "Nine."  "Jimmy, can I talk to your mother?" I asked.  "She's busy."  "What's she doing?" I asked.  "She's talking to my daddy..."  "How about your daddy?  Could I talk to him?"  "He's busy too...talking to the policeman."  "The policeman?" I said.  "What's the policeman doing?  "He's talking to the fireman," Johnny offered.  "The fireman?" I gulped.  "And what is the fireman doing?"  "He's looking," he whispered.  "Looking?  Looking for what?" I asked.  "For me!"   Ron Burson @ Barn Door Opry

Unbelievably, Rayville, MO has had the same exact population for over a hundred years now...... every time a baby is born another man leaves town! Harvey Hayseed @ Leland Jones' Country Pickin Opry

	Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook?  It's called "How to wok your dog!" Garry Bichelmeyer @ B.K. Lounge

	When he was only about 5 years old, Bart's dad brought home a football and tossed it to him.  "Think you can pass that, Bart?" he asked.  "No Dad," Bart told him.  "I don't know if I can even chew it!" Johnny Hudson kidding Bart O'Neal @ Annie's 1-1-09

	Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 months ago ?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day! ) Submitted by Annie Little

Ted was complementing Byron on his beautiful western shirt.  Ted: That's really a nice western shirt you're wearing tonight. Byron:  Thanks.  It's a cowboy shirt and I'm a real cowboy! Ted: Really? Byron:  That's right.  As a matter of fact, I've got the front end of my horse tied up right backstage. Ted:  No kidding!  And where's the rear end? Byron:  Standing right next to me holdin' that guitar! Byron Jones and Ted Cline @ The New Northtown Opry

	We don't own any horses or dogs, only a cat.  And the other day when Ted came home he accidently ran over the cat's tail. I picked him up and put him in the car.  "Where are you taking him?" Ted asked me and I told him Wal-Mart.  "Why Wal-Mart,?" Ted asked with a puzzled look on his face.  I told him that everyone knows that Wal-Mart is the biggest retailer in the country. Ronni Ward @ Annie's Country Jubilee

	Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage  At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor  asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take  a few minutes and share some insight into how  he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.  'Vell,' Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to treat her  nice, spend da money on her, but best of  all I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!'  The Pastor responded, Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are  planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'  Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.' Submitted by Bill Clark

Redneck Bank Loan   Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck. This really is good....   A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.   The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.   Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.   Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'   The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'  Submitted by Bill Clark