KNEE SLAPPERS

Heard a good one lately?

Send us your favorite rib tickler or knee slapper and if it's clean (this is a family-oriented site) and makes us laugh, chances are it'll show up here. Include your name and if you want to tell where you heard it, we'll give them credit too! Use the handy link below and keep 'em comin'.

roger@mokanopry.com

Mike, Jim & Phil were out driving in the country when their car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Luckily, after walking about a mile and just as the sun was going down, they found an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer agreed to help them, but didn't have a telephone. He told them they'd have to spend the night and he would take them to town the next morning.

"But I only have a couple of extra beds," he said. "Someone will have to sleep in the barn with a pig and a goat I keep there." They drew straws and Mike lost and went out to sleep in the barn.

Ten minutes passed and there was a loud knock on the door. It was Mike and he told them that the barn had probably never been cleaned out and the odor was terrible. Maybe one of the others could take it, but he sure couldn't.

"Well, I have a pretty strong constitution," Jim told them, "let me try it. I'm sure everything will work out." Another ten minutes passed and there was another loud knock on the door. It was Jim, his face crimson, gasping for air. "I can't take it either. fellas. Sorry!"

"Guess it's up to me," Phil chimed in. And out the door he went. Another ten minutes passed and there was a loud knock on the door. The door opened and there stood the pig and the goat!

Told by Mike Campbell at the Big Creek Country Show about Himself, Jim Lower & Phil Hilton

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

"I love kids. Heck, I used to go to school with 'em.

Bobby Bare @2007 Cass County Fair

Religion is kinda confusing. The Muslims believe in Allah, but we don't recognize him. The Jews don't recognize Jesus, the Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the world's top spiritual figure and the Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooter's!

Leroy Van Dyke - 2007 Cass County Fair

Larry: "I'm a little down in the mouth tonight. My aunt Matilda just passed away at the age of 107.

Dennis: That's too bad, but she had a good, long life if she lived to 107.

Larry: Well, the good news is, they managed to save the baby!

Larry Ellis - Dennis Dittemore@ Big Creek Showplace - orginally told by the late Joe Adleman, a retired KCMO Police captain.

A guy once told his mother that he didn't want to go to church.

"But you have to go to church," his mother told him.

"I'll give you two reasons why I'm not going to church," he told her.

"One: they don't like me and two: I don't like them."

"And I'll give you two reasons why you have to go," his mother replied.

"One: you're 59 years old and two: you're the pastor!"

Told by Brad Meadows at Middle Creek Theatre

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

   "I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see  you for three days!"

   The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the  assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

      "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

   Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

   "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

   "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Ol' Hunter and the group had a day off and a friend of his asked him if he wanted to go to a cockfight. "That's illegal where I come from," Hunter told him. "Well, they're illegal here too," the guy said, "but nobody ever bothers us." So they decided to check it out. Well, as you might have guessed, not long after the action started, lawmen swooped down from everywhere and arrested a bunch of folks, including Hunter.

   "You can't arrest me," Hunter told the lawman in charge. "I'm in Rhonda Vincent's band and I have to play tomorrow.

   "We're not really interested in arresting you," the man told him, "but we have to know what kinds of people were there, for investigative purposes. Help us with that and you can go."

   "Well, there were Rednecks, Cajuns and the Mafia!" Hunter told him.

   "How do you know there were Rednecks?" the officer asked.

   "Somebody brought a duck," Hunter told him.

   "And what about Cajuns?"

   "Somebody bet on the duck," Hunter offered.

   "And how do you know the Mafia was there?" he wanted to know.

"The duck won!!"

Told by Cuzn' Pud aka George Bowe about Hunter Berry, fiddle player for Rhonda Vincent & the Rage @Sally Mountain Festival

Cuz'n Cricket was playing Bingo down at the church one Friday night awhile back and won. When he went up to claim his prize, they handed him an odd-shaped brush. Afterwards, he handed it to me and asked me what it was for.

"Cricket," I told him, "you're the proud owner of a brand-new toliet brush!"

Several days later, I saw him on the street and asked him how he liked his new toliet brush.

"I guess it's okay," he said, "but I believe I'll go back to paper!"

Told by Blake Williams of Williams & Clark Expedition @ Sally Mountain Festival

Butch: Someone said you had to hurry home tonight and take care of some mechanical work. What kind of mechanical work can you do in the middle of the night?

Jody: I gotta put a rear end in my recliner!

Butch Carter & Jody Jackson @ Jrs. Hitchin Post Opry

Marietta: I wuz down at the Wal-Mart the other day and I saw this thing they call a thermos bottle and I'd never seen one before. I asked the clerk what it was and he said "That's a thermos bottle!" "What's It do?" I asked him. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he told me. Well, I just had to have me one of those so I bought me this one.

Ken: So what do you have in it now?

Marietta: Two cups of coffee and an ice cream cone!

Larry King aka Marietta with Ken Butterfield @ Old Town Jamboree

Marietta: I got stopped by the police the other day.

Tim: Oh, really? What happened?

Marietta: He made me get out of the car, walk around it and then he shined his flashlight in my face and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

Tim: What did you say?

Marietta: I said, "Certainly not. But tell me somethin', your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

Larry King aka Marietta with Tim Dunagan @ Old Town Jubilee

I was singing this song about Virginia and I noticed this man in the audience crying, tears just rolling down his cheeks, so after I finished I asked him if he was from Virginia.

"No," he said, "I'm a musician!"

Larry Dean @Sherry's Outpost, Leavenworth

There was an armored car robbery this morning. They didn't take any money, but they siphoned out all the gas.

Garry Bichelmeyer @ Sherry's Outpost, Leavenworth

Advertisement

For Sale: One wedding dress. Only worn once....by mistake.

Lisa Marie Bennett @Countryside Jamboree

What do they call a guy that hangs out with musicians?

A drummer!

Calvin Coolidge at the BK Lounge 8/8/06

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Pillow Talk

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck. "Angrily he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Contributed by Mary Kempa

Somebody asked me how cold it got at my place last winter. I told them that it got so cold that I saw two lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets instead of someone else's!

Bubba Clydesdale aka David Taylor @Big Creek 8-10-06

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill as ease, but you look so much like my late son."

"That's okay," he answered.

"I know it's silly of me," she told him, but if you could call out "Goodbye Mom" as I'm leaving, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout...and as she was leaving, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," the clerk told him.

"How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for hers too!"

DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES!!

Submitted by Delmar Hatcher

Mom used to have one of those mood rings. When she was in a good mood, it would turn green. When she was in a bad mood, it would leave a red mark on my forehead!

Mike O'Roark @ Annie's Country Jubilee

A man and his wife were taking an ocean cruise and one night, after drinking way too much and becoming somewhat abusive, he stumbled backwards and fell over the rail into the ocean below. The ship stopped as soon as possible and although they searched for the man, he was nowhere to be found.

Several months later, the wife gets a call from the president of the cruise line. "I have good and bad news," he tells the wife. "The bad news is we found your husband and he is, of course, deceased. The good news is we found an oyster had made a home on his body and when we opened it we found a pearl worth $50,000! What do you want us to do?"

The wife tells him, "Send me the $50,000 and rebait the trap!"

Bill Clark @ BK Lounge

"Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" the prosecutor asked the woman.

"'Cause I didn't want to wake up the kids," she told him.

My Uncle went to court and got a suspended sentence. They hanged him.

Garry Bichelmeyer @ BK Lounge

Know how to make a Kleenex dance?

Blow a little "boogie" in it!

Luke Towns @ Annie's Country Jubilee 9/30/06

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Some Halloween 'slappers from H.A.B.O.T.:

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo

What does a skeleton order in a restaurant?

Spare ribs

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?

They'd only let him play batboy

H.A.B.O.T. October newsletter

A friend of mine was in the check out line at the grocery store, behind this woman watching her put her milk, eggs, bacon and other items on the belt.

"I take it you're single," he told her.

"Why would you say that?" she asked him. "Is it because of what I'm buying?"

"No. It's because you're ugly!"

Bubba Clydesdale @ Big Creek Opry

As you know, Bubba & I are from Arkansas and an old boy we knew down there wanted to raise hogs, but he didn't know how to go about it. A friend told him to just get three sow pigs and bring them over to his place and turn them loose with his boar for the day. At the end of the day he would take them back home and turn them loose. If they began rolling in the mud, it had taken but if they went out in the field and began feeding on corn, it hadn't taken.

Well, the first two times the pigs went right out and began feeding on the corn and the guy was about to give up, but decided to give it one more try. He picked them up that night and told his wife, "Look out the window and tell me what they're doing. I can't bear to watch."

She looked out the window and he says "Are they in the corn?" "No." "Are they rolling in the mud?" "No." "Well, what are they doing?"

"Two are in the back of the truck," she told him, "and the other one's in the front seat honking the horn!"

Sparky Farquire @ Big Creek Opry

I was once on stage performing and I noticed a man on the front row talking and disrupting the show. I stopped the show and asked him what the problem was.

"Oh," he said, "well, I'm from Texas and I was just telling them about my ranch."

"What about it?" I asked him.

"Well, you can start at one end of it and drive from dawn till daybreak and never leave my property.

"I'm from Arkansas," I told him, "and I know an old boy with a truck like that!"

Wally Barbee @ Sulphur Springs (AR) Classic Country

The bus was hauling a load of senior citizens from the local rest home on a tour of the city when a little old lady tapped the bus driver on the arm and handed him a handful of peanuts. He thanked her and went on driving and munching on the nuts. Soon she handed him another handful and later still another.

"Ma'am, don't any of you ladies like peanuts?" he asked her.

"No," she told him, "we don't have any teeth, so we just suck all the chocolate off 'em!"

Jack Sanders @ Ft. Scott Jubilee

A man took his wife to the doctor and sat out in the waiting room. After an hour or so, the doctor came out.

"She doesn't look good," he told the man.

"Yeah, but she's great with the kids," the man replied.

Submitted by Jay Holmgren

A couple, curious as to what their son would be when he grew up decided to test him, so the father put three items on the table: a $20 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey. If he picks up the $20, he would be a banker, if he picked up the Bible, he would be a man of the cloth and if he picked up the whiskey, he probably wouldn't amount to much, the husband reasoned. When the small boy approached the table, he stuck the $20 in his pocket, put his hand on the Bible and took a long drink from the bottle.

"Oh, my God," the man exclaimed. "He's going to be a lawyer."

Garry Bichelmeyer @ BK Lounge

I was visiting New York City awhile back and caught a cab to take me to downtown Manhattan. Along the way, I was looking at the various buildings and the lighting on one of them caught my eye, as I'm a former electrician. I reached over the front seat and tapped the cabby on the shoulder to get him to stop. Well, it must have scared him something awful as he jumped the curb, just missed a lamp post, almost hit a pedestrian and stopped just inches short of a plate glass window!

"I'm sorry," I told him, "I just wanted to look at that building. I had no idea you would react like that."

"Oh, It's not your fault," he said, visibly shaken. "See, I just started driving a cab a couple of days ago. Before that I drove a hearse!"

Larry Ellis @ Big Creek Country Show

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Contributed by Dennis Dittemore

Missouri girls

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given duties to their new wives.

The first man had married a girl from California and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the housecleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Texas. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day, he didn't see any results....but the next day it was better. By the third day the house was cleaned, dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married a Missouri girl. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day, he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but ........by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a yardman. Got to love those Missouri women!!

As you may or may not be aware of, it's now trapping season and trappers are hard after it in rural areas of the state. I have this friend of mine who's a game warden for the state of Kansas and patrols eastern Miami county. He was working one day last week when he came across a racoon in a trap. He immediately returned to the truck and called the Missouri Conservation Department to tell them he thought one of their coons had been trapped in his territory. "Now, just a minute" the conservation agent said, "What makes you think that coon's one of ours?" "Because he's already chewed off three of his feet and he's still caught in the trap!," my friend told him.

Luke Town @ Annie's Jubilee

Some Bible Humor

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Contributed by Tommy Helms